Monday, March 14, 2016

Three Ideas for Performance Art Pieces

More 2007

Jan 07

I had another dream about you. This time you were over me, finally. It was happening but you kept saying " I don't want to do this, I don't want to have sex with you" and your body felt so good next to mine and I was kissing your fingers and your chest, but I was saying "I don't want it then, Don't do what you don't want to do." But I wanted it, I wanted it. And you were relieved, and you left me, and we continued our day together, but you wouldn't make eye contact, and every chance I could I would kiss your skin, your arm, your fingers again, but you were trying to get away from me. No, not even, you just didn't care at all if I was there or not, and I still had this desire to fuck you, it was strong, so strong. But it was obvious I would never get what I wanted.
Even if you did fuck me.

The Iridescent Journal from 2007 when I found Henry Miller and made him into my artist's statement.

I want I want I want
to be so occupied with receiving
that I don't want.

If I fucked everyone in the entire world would
my fucks be less valuable than if i only fucked the love of my life?
Does it matter what kind of fuck I am talking about?
(Now ask for love instead of fuck)

Is it really as valuable that God loves me if he loves everyone?

There was this moment.

I was lying in bed,
surrounded only by blankets

well blankets and
air and

and i was rubbing myself
faster and faster
i burst

and then i cried.

I cried hard.

and that is what i want to
capture, that is what i want to show
everyone that can see.

There is only one thing that interests me vitally now, and that is the recording of all which is omitted in books. Nobody, so far as i can see is making use of those elements in the air which give direction and motivation to our lives.
-Henry Miller

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

more notebook covers, 1999-2002

Letter to God about Death- 1999 age 14


Have I let our closeness drift? Is that why I feel so alone?
Then every night shall I speak to you! God, I miss you! But the love for you still bubbles up within my soul! How I long to forever be in your awesome presence forever worshipping you. Oh the joy that inspires me when I think of that blessed day when my work on earth is complete! I can hardly contain my excitement. My soul anticipates....
But until that sweet sweet day I will work hard to overcome the temptations of my flesh, the horrid desires that my sinfulness yearns for. But I will overcome these obstacles 
for you, 
Oh my God,
are what I live for. 


Notebook Covers

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

unpublished blog post / love letter 2/25/08

i love you i love you i love you
i hate you 
i hate you
i love you 
when i forget about me

you have six foot needles protruding from your body baby
and i am holding you close
but there is beauty in pain
there is beauty in pain

and beauty is what i want
the overlap of self mutilation 
and masturbation
is where i dance.
i bleed and i cum
i bleed i bleed
and i cum
i miss you
it hurts

darling i love your absence
it makes me feel alive
darling i hate your presence
it reminds me that youre not fucking me
its so much 
to love the dead
its so so much easier to 
love the dead
its so much easier
to paint the dead
my darling my darling
i cant decide if i should let 
its so much
to revive you.
energy and desire
energy and desire
energy and desire
is what
i need
to make
you breathe,
you don't want to breathe
you beg for the dullness of death
i want to love the dead
but i want
you to 
i want you to live
i want you to live
i want you to breathe
i want you to breathe
i want you to breathe
from me
lets share breath

Love Poem to M.B., 2000, age 16, ninth grade

he likes mozart
and cherry slurpees
and he'll never love me
he loves rainy days
and butterscotch sundaes
and i'll never make him smile

he faded so far away
I held him so close for merely a day
and now he holds me forever

He prays towards the star
he plays guitar
but he'll never play to me
he writes poetry
and is so funny
but I'll never make him laugh

Letter to God about Boys, 1999, age 14

Dear Jesus,

Hey Wassup? I just felt like sending you a letter like this
Well my life has been kinda depressing lately. I hope no one else reads this because I want this to be for your eyes only. I am so sad because everywhere I look it seems like there are guys and girls together
I feel like no guy would really like me in that way
I really want a guy to love me
I really want someone to accept me and listen to what I say and not judge me.
God, I know you should fill that hole but I still feel like this. Guys keep giving me less attention than before.
In fourth grade lots of boys liked me but I guess their hormones took over if you get my drift.
Well I don't know any guys who would possibly fulfill this anyway. I want someone who knows you too. I have yet to discover
a guy who has met you like I have who would even tell anybody atleast.
But I trust you will send me someone perfect when the time comes if it does.
God, its really great that I found you. Its so wonderful. Its such a relief.
God I've heard about Joeseph's homelife and well I ask that you comfort him in that situation
Lord you are a miracle worker and if its your will,
I ask that you just really work in that situation because I can tell he really wants to find you and I ask that you just reveal yourself
to him and use me if I can be of service and God I sensed that on tuesday B was trying to change
O God that would be so fabulous!
And God I dont know but N is a lost case with us humans but nothings impossible with you
and you are really super!

Drawings of Women, (2000-01, 9th-10th grade, age 15-16)

Monday, June 15, 2009

Letter to the bitch who fucked my boyfriend and sucked his cock while I was at home waiting for him to come home. 4-14-09 age 24

Dear Bitch who fucked my boyfriend
and sucked his cock
while I was at home waiting
for him to come home,

I am going to write you one more time, but this time instead of focusing on how much I am
disgusted by the thought of you and how I have this desire to fuck with you,
Instead I am going to find some goodness, rise above, tune into the truth of the universe,
tune into your humanity.
Deep breath.
Another deep breath.
The truth is, I wanted freedom, I wanted him to leave me, so I could have my life back
for some reason I couldn't have them both at the same time. I feel dissappointed that he
ended it before I did. I didn't get to conquer
this, I failed, maybe you can succeed, maybe you can help him succeed.
Maybe you just went home with some random guy and you had no idea what you were
getting into. But the idea of all of this just overcomes me with this horrible, horrible feeling,
a sickness, I can hardly stand it. The thought of him meeting you while he was with me,
the thought of you two staring at each other across the table while I am sitting there obviously...
its horrible. Why?
I guess I have this delusion, I want this delusion that someone could really want me, only me...
and I know as a human being that its impossible, its unreasonable... That would be boring, stagnant,
I love change, I love progress, I want a thousand lovers, I want to let them all go to the next step
without me if they need to, I want to go to the next step if i need to...
and I do, I do, I do... But I haven't conquered this yet... How do I conquer this? I need to let
you have him, I need to push him to you, or atleast away from me, I need to move
forward, with my whole heart, I need to let go of you, or atleast of the pain and sadness
and betrayal that you represent. I love him, I want him to grow and be happy
and even though he hurt me by being to scared, too weak to do this in a less painful
way... I understand. I am guilty of the same crime, we all are...
This pain is just a result of the negative implications that aren't true.
I know we are all equal.... I know that I don't deserve anything,
life, all of this, is a gift, its so amazing that I get to experience breath, pain,
heartbreak, love, sex. So.... I want to, I want to wish you, as honesty as I can muster,
well wishes
find truth!
I want to be able to love you, I can almost feel it.