Monday, June 15, 2009

Letter to the bitch who fucked my boyfriend and sucked his cock while I was at home waiting for him to come home. 4-14-09 age 24

Dear Bitch who fucked my boyfriend
and sucked his cock
while I was at home waiting
for him to come home,

I am going to write you one more time, but this time instead of focusing on how much I am
disgusted by the thought of you and how I have this desire to fuck with you,
Instead I am going to find some goodness, rise above, tune into the truth of the universe,
tune into your humanity.
Deep breath.
Another deep breath.
The truth is, I wanted freedom, I wanted him to leave me, so I could have my life back
for some reason I couldn't have them both at the same time. I feel dissappointed that he
ended it before I did. I didn't get to conquer
this, I failed, maybe you can succeed, maybe you can help him succeed.
Maybe you just went home with some random guy and you had no idea what you were
getting into. But the idea of all of this just overcomes me with this horrible, horrible feeling,
a sickness, I can hardly stand it. The thought of him meeting you while he was with me,
the thought of you two staring at each other across the table while I am sitting there obviously...
its horrible. Why?
I guess I have this delusion, I want this delusion that someone could really want me, only me...
and I know as a human being that its impossible, its unreasonable... That would be boring, stagnant,
I love change, I love progress, I want a thousand lovers, I want to let them all go to the next step
without me if they need to, I want to go to the next step if i need to...
and I do, I do, I do... But I haven't conquered this yet... How do I conquer this? I need to let
you have him, I need to push him to you, or atleast away from me, I need to move
forward, with my whole heart, I need to let go of you, or atleast of the pain and sadness
and betrayal that you represent. I love him, I want him to grow and be happy
and even though he hurt me by being to scared, too weak to do this in a less painful
way... I understand. I am guilty of the same crime, we all are...
This pain is just a result of the negative implications that aren't true.
I know we are all equal.... I know that I don't deserve anything,
life, all of this, is a gift, its so amazing that I get to experience breath, pain,
heartbreak, love, sex. So.... I want to, I want to wish you, as honesty as I can muster,
well wishes
find truth!
I want to be able to love you, I can almost feel it.


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